3 Reasons Why

At  the beginning of the Summer,  I noticed a trend in my  Facebook newsfeed.   A lot of my friends and pages were talking about the show called “13 Reasons Why.” It is  a Netflix show, rated TV-Mature even though it’s based on fictional book with the same title and a teenager’s life.  My first thought when I saw the rating tonight was, why is it rated TV-Mature, when it’s about high school students. I understand that we have to have ratings, but why for a show that’s trying to make a point for how things really are in high school?    Now, my high school career, as I’m learning quickly, was a very sheltered one.  I learned this from ABCFamily’s  The Secret Life of An American Teenager, about a girl who got pregnant in high school,  at 15.   I also learned this from Degrassi, and now from 13 Reasons Why.     The shows before 13 Reasons Why had  not impacted me or related to me.   However 13 Reasons did for, well 3 reasons.

              The first reason 13 Reasons Why affected me was the Facebook trend. Why was everyone so psyched to go home and watch a 17 year old commit suicide?  What’s so fascinating?  It’s not. It’s not fascinating, at least at the beginning of the summer  it wasn’t because I was going through what Hannah Baker was going through.   I had been since January 2017, but  the only people who knew this were my therapist and my dad.   My bullies weren’t high school teenagers though,   they were a disease. I had to go under treatment for Endocarditis again, and  was in the hospital for two weeks.    Unlike Hannah,  I was lucky.  I had at least one friend who seemed to understand what I was going through outside of therapy.  He helped, but I realize now I did  a lot of the work on my own or in intense therapy sessions.  For me, my bully was fear.    Fear of not getting a job,  fear of dying,  fear of failing,  fear of not making other people happy or proud. Fear of cockroaches,  fear of fire,  fear of loneliness. Forever being alone because I can’t have children.   These are just some thoughts that went through my head. Fear had a whole island, like in Disney’s Pixar’s Inside Out.  I almost didn’t want to complete treatment for Endocarditis because I didn’t want another year, few years, of living life under an insensitive doctor’s nose.  However, ,between my friend and my  Dad, my counseling, and God,  I survived. I beat fear, and now that emotion no longer has an island.   This brings me to my second reason to why I didn’t want to watch 13 Reasons Why,   I was scared I would relapse.

         Suicidal  Thoughts are scary, and they are very real.   As many of my friends and co-workers and therapist knows, I’m a visual person because I’m an artist.  Instead of hearing them,  I saw my own suicide constantly.  In different ways, not quite as graphic as Hannah Baker’s in the show, but graphic enough to scare me.   My therapist and I sat down and talked about this, and unlike the school counselor, who really should’ve called a professional therapist or the hotline,  mine helped.    She gave me tools to work against them, and to realize that they weren’t suicidal because I was already picturing myself dead.  It was already done with in my mind. I know this sounds weird to you, but it isn’t.   She was telling me I’m not going to do it because I know when to call for help, and I’m already asking for help. This image is just an image, nothing to fear.   She said this because I was scared of living on my own,  thinking that I would do it once I moved out.      I realized then, that all this was fear.    I had so many people tell me I wasn’t capable, or that I had to prove to them that I could work even with my disability.   I was scared that I couldn’t do that, and that’s when the thought cycle occurred.   However, there was one day this summer when my fear finally went away.   The third reason to why I didn’t watch 13 Reasons Why is because I didn’t want to be sad again because of Hannah Baker’s suicide.

                             You may think I’m talking about Hannah Baker like she’s a real person and that I don’t know the difference.   However, you’re wrong, I do know the difference, but in some ways I have been in Hannah Baker’s spot.   I have been that sad. The first time was in Middle School,  where I was the constant target because I was different.   That was the first time I ever tried to hurt myself physically, which yes, both my parents know about and helped me.   I got through it because of my family and friends that I did have.  The second time wasn’t until college, and that was because my mother tried to physically hurt me.  She couldn’t stop at physically, she had to yell and yell at me until an unnecessary message was pushed through my head about a friend that I had  liked as more than a friend. She was mean and hateful about it and told some major  lies.   Yes. This was my own mom.  I’m not afraid to say this anymore, but she was a big cause of my suicidal thoughts.   The third time happened when a boyfriend that I thought finally loved me, and I finally loved him, broke up with me out of the blue. He didn’t want to get so serious.  Now, I’m not blaming him at all, and he’s a good person,  but my thoughts got tangled.  I got into a fight with my thoughts that night, I was up all night, I called my dad.  The next day I went  into  a psych ward for  a week.  It kept me safe, they took away my cell phone,  and all my belongings.   It was a very safe place, and I’m forever grateful I knew how to get to help.      This brings me to my last reason of why I hadn’t watched 13 Reasons Why or read the book when everyone else had.

       People love fads and trends.  They also love entertainment, and to watch “binge worthy” tv as Netflix calls 13 Reasons Why.   This was the last reason I didn’t want to watch because suicide shouldn’t be a fad.  It shouldn’t be taken with such light-heartiness.   You may be asking, why then, did I watch it? Well because of an article Mayim Bailik (Amy-Farrah Fowler on The Big Bang Theory and Blossom) posted in article written by a doctor.   This article was posted on Grok Nation,  Mayim Bialik’s website.  It is called The Strengths and Challenges of 13 Reasons Why: A Sex and Trauma Therapist Weighs in by Janet Bayraymn.  This article got me to watch the show because it convinced me to face my fear, to see what suicide is actually like and how it affects other people in your life.  It was this particular quote by Dr. Bayraymn:  “I don’t want to suggest that all youth are going to mimic what they see on the show. Many teens are resilient and capable of watching a show like this and not have an issue.”  It wasn’t the first part of this sentence.  It was the second part.   I 3 Reasons Whymay not be the teen she was referring too,  but I finally felt strong enough to watch this show and not have an issue.  I felt strong enough because I knew my  suicidal visions were gone.   How did I know?  Well,  I stopped seeing them when I stopped talking to two big stressors in my life:  a friend who was an army solider,  and my mother, and realized I validate my life, no one else does.  I also  prayed and it turned out that living on my own wasn’t going to be scary. Sure it has it’s rough times and there are still some people that have disbelief in you, and question wither or not you’ll be able to do a full day job.  However, those thoughts  from other people that used to stick in my head,  don’t anymore. I don’t listen to them because that’s their opinion.  I don’t need to prove to anybody that I’m strong and hardworking because I know that I am.  I know that I’m worth living, and that suicide is not an option, ever.  Life is worth it, seeing the sun come up every day.   Petting my cats and curling up with them while I read, or going to church.  Not just church, but work as well, even if it is hours I’m not used too, and there’s  one lady who doesn’t like me because I told her no.  It took me a long time to realize it’s not my fault why  I just don’t get a long with some people or why someone doesn’t understand me.   People are cruel,  people are kind, people love, and people care. As Cory Matthew’s said on Girl Meets World, “ People Change People.”    So if you’re feeling down or sad it’s okay, but don’t be Hannah Baker.  Suicide is not an option, and as a Suicidal thought survivor, I’m telling you it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to share your thoughts and feelings. Don’t let somebody tell you “ If it doesn’t bleed or bruise,  you can’t cry.” Cry, and then get help.  My mother always told me that I couldn’t cry, and if I told her how I felt, she’d hurt me or threaten me and say it’s not true or that I would have to change my mind.  Well, I’m not scared of her anymore, or of my family looking down on me for publishing this.  I matter.  My life matters,  and this is my story  that I’ve wanted to share for so long but couldn’t.  I’m 26 now, and I plan on living my life for a very long time, and I’m not hiding behind my mother’s shadow anymore.   Now, she’s not fully to blame, I want to make that very clear, but she is a big part of it.  The best thing I ever did was walk away, because emotional abuse is still abuse.  Now I am finally, finally free of suicidal thoughts and tendencies,  and fear.   Life has never felt better, and if you ever need help or are scared, please visit: www.13reasonswhy.info, for guidance. 

The Ice Fairy who isn't Afraid

There's a  land at the very bottom of the world.
Where most people do not tread for fear of cold.
But it is not to cold for the ice fairy,
who  has seen more flipped ice bergs
than a canary.

The Ice Fairy tends to the baby penguins
who have lost their way home,


She does not mind being alone,  She is brave,
and not as cold hearted as the mermaids in the sea.

For comfort and warmth, she leans on the Ribbon seals,
who heal her heart and mind. She is not afraid of them because
they only know she's there when she lets her presence known.

The Antarctica Content is far from tropical,
so instead of tearing banana peels like her
fairy friends from South America, she
eats fish and small plankton.

This may seem like a strange story,
and similar to the lonely Elsa,
but don't worry,  it has something to tell:

The Antarctica Land should be left alone
because if it is not,
the Earth could surely rot.
The penguins have a home there,
and so it would be best for you to remember
that all of their feathers are important,
and that if you try to take one home,
The Ice Fairy will send a ice across the world.




 

Traveling to Paris and Wonderland by magical Dreams

 It is said that  a few mortals can learn how to astral project by dreaming.   This summer, there happened to be a fascinating story about a girl who astral projected in her dreams to Paris through Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole.

    Our story starts with  a dreamer who loves to travel. The dreamer also loves to learn about historical events, magic,  fairies, and Paris and Scotland.  The trip to pairs started on her bed in a deep sleep, and her inner desires. 

  The first thing she noticed is that the street was busy, and the Eiffel tower was near by.  The second thing she noticed was that it was cold out because it was snowing and everyone was wearing scarfs and hats.   She however was not that cold,   and started her exploration into the city of lights.

  On the way to the Eiffel tower,  she spotted a couple of men cuddled  up together with French Coffee mugs.   Then past those two men she realized she was at the Eiffel Tower.   She walked up to the tower,  and paid the price to get inside.

The stairs were tiring,  very exhausting. It was mostly due to the fact that the girl was out of shape and not used to climbing stairs.   On the way up,  she met some  interesting people.   They were of different races and color,  some Asian,  some  Dutch.     They  talked to her and told her about the  Youth Hostel just a few blocks away where she could spend the night if she needed too.  The college students told her that it was at Le 123  Sebastopol and it would only take her about 20 minutes to walk there.

So she kept that in mind as she got to the top of the Tower. In awe she looked at the few of the green lawn covered in snow, and took a breathe. It felt like she was really here this time, in Paris, France.  She had never seen the people she just talked to, and that along was an interesting change.    After awhile her head was starting to get light headed from the height,  so she headed back down the stairs and that's when her astral projected self shifted the scene and she was at The Youth Hostel,  preparing for another Paris adventure.

This one was a little more fast paced,  and  it began to scare her as she was plopped into the Paris Catacombs.   She swear she saw a ghost,  but she kept walking and walking down the hallways. The hallways that were filled with ancient people and magic.   She sniffed the air,  and that's when she could smell the fluffy white fur  and  bunny ears.   She realized she was about to enter a different kind of  Paris, a magical one.

When she followed the white rabbit,   she fell down a hole, just like Alice.  Further and Further she went, until she fell right onto a chair,  and was sitting in front of the Alchemist, Nicholas Flamel, a Genie,  and she could sense that Rumpelstiltskin  was somewhere in the room.

Startled, Flamel asked her what she wanted, and she had three wishes.  The first one was a wish to teach  a boy that he was treating women wrong.  The second one was about finding love, or talking to someone special again.
   Third wish took her a minute to think about,  but then she came up with it.

" I wish to save enough money to go to Paris for Real and not just in my dreams!"

That was the only line she spoke out loud and that's what called her back to her bed, where she woke up with penny whose face was up ,  and she heard the quite whisper of Rumpelstiltskin  saying, "Remember, magic always comes with a price!"

Worried with what that price might be, she quickly checked on her cat, but  he was fine.  So the price may still come, but  she remembered the Genie and Alchemist  who loved animals of all kind,  and new they wouldn't ever hurt her cat.


The lesson of Astral Project is important, because it is something dangerous and not always fun,  so don't take pills to make it happen, let it come on it's own.   The dreamer just astral projected because of taking her regular medicines with bendryl,  to stop itching.   So be safe,  and do not try anything that is harmful to you!

Disclaimer:  All the photos except the one of the cat are not mine. Please do not use the photo of my cat, he is not for public use. 

The Southern Fairy Tale

In the deep south,   a  fairy land grows.  It is also connected to human land,  but mostly, the fairies run it.   The land has cabins, red dirt, and  popular electronic rides that humans use to fly as  high as they can in the sky.  There is even a one that looks like a spider, a creature the humans fear but fairies use to travel on. The fairies live here all year round,  but the humans come once a week, in the biggest in between week of July.  The week before August and school starts, to end the summer with games, fun, and talent. One fairy in particular likes to watch the silliness happen,  but she also guards the Fairground Gate her name is Mary Beth.


"Oy! Mary Beth!"  called Moss from a distance,  he was almost out of breath.

"What? Can't you see I'm trying to keep the trolls away from the fire?!" Mary Beth shouted, "Try to keep your mouth shut!"

Moss  flew forward and listened, he rarely did as he was told, but he knew about the Hot Air Balloons that would be put up for Monday night's beauty pageant.

"'Srry, Ma'am.  But Zandabar is just so stupid,  he wouldn't know to listen for the fire." Moss mumbled.

"Still,  we have to keep guard, because the in-betweeners are dumb and use the fire for pleasure, and will carry it with them into the Philadelphia Kutzu. " Mary Beth sighed.

   The two smiled at the thought,  but also feared for a battle at the beauty pageant that was to be held.  The pageant fairies were in a hurry all this week trying to get the contestants ready. Some of those constants didn't have any activities to put on their resume, so the fairies  made them up.     Though the contestants were dull, they were very pretty and Mary Beth always wanted to be one.

So, she decided despite inter-human  and fairy rules, she would join the pageant.  As Moss took his post,  Mary Beth flew off to the Hospitality cabin on Founder's square.


Here she signed up,  and hoped that her named would be announced over founder's square and the Grand stand this Monday night.

In prepartion, she went to the glamour fairies and asked to be made up.   On her way, she ran into a human. Her wings brushed up against him  and sparks flew.   When a Fairy and a human interact, it can go either very badly, or  romance can happen. In Mary Beth's case,    the spark meant  love.

The boy looked down on her, and said, "Well, hello, ma'am. It is pleasure to meet you!"  He had beautiful blue eyes and curly brown hair.


Unable to speak,  Mary Beth's wings fluttered for her.   He smiled back, and took her small hand.  Their eyes had finally met,  and they ended up talking for days and nights.  Until the pageant Monday, when he came out to support her and watch her win in her gorgeous Southern Dress.

Moss, in the mean time had been guarding and watching Mary Beth follow the human around like a dog on a leash.  For some reason, this particular human didn't feel right to Moss.   So on Monday night,  Mary Beth's biggest night,  Moss left the  Neshoba County Gate to watch. Not remembering about Zandabar and his gang of trolls,   they came in to the Neshoba County Fair grounds.

As soon as evening hit and the hot air balloons were lit,  the trolls charged the Grandstand not caring about which Pagent contestant they were about to hurt.

The boy who fell in love with Mary Beth was outraged, the Pageant was a traditon, and Mary Beth had ruined it by forgetting her duties to the human and the fairgrounds. Mary Beth  feeling  ashamed, went to join the fight.

"Mary Beth!" As  the southern boy shouted,  she turned around and shouted back,
"Not now!"  That may  have been the end of  her summer romance with a human if,  she had not just saved his life from the King Troll and was being burned by the hot air balloon fire.

Mary Beth threw her water glass and the other pagent contestans water glasses onto the air balloons, and that ended the King Troll's war against the humans. Here the southern boy thanked her and they both apoligized, and as all fairy tales go,
said "Happily Ever After," with a kiss. 

The Storm Faerie and Zeuss

*

There once was a fairy.
who could fly high in the sky.
So high, that she sat on the clouds.
There she sat for days, and decided that rain would be fun.
The Greek God Zeus agreed with her, and so he set lightening bolts that lit
up the sky.

*

On one of the days,  she decided not only would rain be fun,
but so would a flood.
So she sent cars flying because they were surprised.
Some skidded  on water, and others flipped on the sidewalk.
So Zeus stepped in, and told her enough.

Hurting people isn't fun,  and magic should be
used with great caution.

So then the storms ceased, and the
floods ended. The people were safe and sound,
and The Storm Fairy flew off her cloud,
into the morning sun.
*The art work is not mine.

The Bird, The Cat, and The Hidden Fairy in the City

On a hill there was a cat.

 A cat who stalked like a lion.

It was just an ordinary house cat,

but it really wanted that pigeon.

My own Photo

The region this cat was in was unusual,

because it was the city.  

But the green grass was lush and beautiful, filled with worms and other good things for the bird to collect.

The fairy that sat on the bird's back could see the the cat, 

though the cat that was stalking could not see her.

The fairy whispered into the birds ear,

"Watch out! He's about to pounce!"

So the bird flew up into the air, and the cat backed away. As if it was afraid of the bird.

So the bird flew down, unafraid and pounced right on the cat's tail.

 My own photo. 

The cat screeched, and ran off into the row homes.

The fairy had a magic wand with her, and said,

"May be both the bird and the cat be safe from harm.

Especially from big trucks and buses that come through this tiny alley way."

With that the bird and the fairy flew off to the top of the roof,  to make sure her spell had worked, and it did.  So the moral of the story is that wherever you go, you always have to look ahead, because a cat may be out hunting a bird, and though it doesn't seem innocent,  it is an innocent creature to us, and we should all take care to be safe drivers in small alley ways. 

The Little Fairy and the Lady Bug

On a rainy, dreary day, a fairy was flying through the park.


Though it was suppose to thunder and lightening, she was brave and  found a large oak tree that sheltered her.


    She was a determined fairy,  and didn't want to go home.  As she sat, she watched the mortals walk by with their animals.  Too distracted notice, a ladybug  had landed on her neck.

   Thinking it was a bigger bug,  the  tiny fairy almost smacked it.  But once it crawled until her hand, she realized that it was precious ladybug!
           It was so beautiful that she couldn't help herself but gaze for hours at all of it's spots.   Though the ladybug was kind, it finally got annoyed with the fairy and said,

"Look! I am not an object! Take a picture! It will last longer!" Shocked by this outburst by the little lady bug, the fairy apologized.

"I am sorry, I was just gazing at your beauty,  and I have learned from my Queen that ladybugs bring good luck and good weather!"

The little ladybug squeaked and said, " Yes, we do.   Here,  when  I open my wings to flutter,  the luck  will sprinkle onto you!"

The fairy sat in quiet, and then replied "Thank you, and I promise to  keep all of your ladybugs safe in storms like these."

With that,  the ladybug fluttered it's wings and flew off of the fairy's hand, and squeaked back, "Thank you,   your protection of us is a high honor!"
   The fairy sat for while longer under the beautiful oak tree and thought to herself that she should take better care of nature than she does. In fact,   right then and there,  instead of keeping the sparkles the ladybug gave her,  she gave them to the large oak tree.  Who needed the luck to continue to shelter  other fairies and creatures just like the ladybug.

The ladybug's main message here is to remind us that nature is precious, a privilege, and a gift.  That to harm a fairy ring in a park, such as Patterson Park,  is only harming yourself.  The ladybug also reminds us that it is a good thing to do something for others, such as the little fairy giving her lucky sparkles to the tree instead of herself!  That said,  remember to preserve  nature as you would preserve yourself, your families and friends!