At the beginning of
the Summer, I noticed a trend in my Facebook newsfeed. A lot of my friends and pages were talking
about the show called “13 Reasons Why.” It is
a Netflix show, rated TV-Mature even though it’s based on fictional book
with the same title and a teenager’s life.
My first thought when I saw the rating tonight was, why is it rated
TV-Mature, when it’s about high school students. I understand that we have to
have ratings, but why for a show that’s trying to make a point for how things
really are in high school? Now, my
high school career, as I’m learning quickly, was a very sheltered one. I learned this from ABCFamily’s The Secret Life of An American Teenager,
about a girl who got pregnant in high school,
at 15. I also learned this from
Degrassi, and now from 13 Reasons Why.
The shows before 13 Reasons Why had
not impacted me or related to me.
However 13 Reasons did for, well 3 reasons.
The first
reason 13 Reasons Why affected me was the Facebook trend. Why was everyone so
psyched to go home and watch a 17 year old commit suicide? What’s so fascinating? It’s not. It’s not fascinating, at least at
the beginning of the summer it wasn’t
because I was going through what Hannah Baker was going through. I had
been since January 2017, but the only
people who knew this were my therapist and my dad. My bullies weren’t high school teenagers
though, they were a disease. I had to
go under treatment for Endocarditis again, and
was in the hospital for two weeks.
Unlike Hannah, I was lucky. I had at least one friend who seemed to
understand what I was going through outside of therapy. He helped, but I realize now I did a lot of the work on my own or in intense
therapy sessions. For me, my bully was
fear. Fear of not getting a job, fear of dying, fear of failing, fear of not making other people happy or
proud. Fear of cockroaches, fear of
fire, fear of loneliness. Forever being
alone because I can’t have children.
These are just some thoughts that went through my head. Fear had a whole
island, like in Disney’s Pixar’s Inside
Out. I almost didn’t want to
complete treatment for Endocarditis because I didn’t want another year, few
years, of living life under an insensitive doctor’s nose. However, ,between my friend and my Dad, my counseling, and God, I survived. I beat fear, and now that emotion
no longer has an island. This brings me
to my second reason to why I didn’t want to watch 13 Reasons Why, I was scared I would relapse.
Suicidal Thoughts are scary, and they are very
real. As many of my friends and
co-workers and therapist knows, I’m a visual person because I’m an artist. Instead of hearing them, I saw my own suicide constantly. In different ways, not quite as graphic as
Hannah Baker’s in the show, but graphic enough to scare me. My therapist and I sat down and talked about
this, and unlike the school counselor, who really should’ve called a
professional therapist or the hotline,
mine helped. She gave me tools
to work against them, and to realize that they weren’t suicidal because I was
already picturing myself dead. It was
already done with in my mind. I know this sounds weird to you, but it isn’t. She was telling me I’m not going to do it
because I know when to call for help, and I’m already asking for help. This
image is just an image, nothing to fear.
She said this because I was scared of living on my own, thinking that I would do it once I moved
out. I realized then, that all this
was fear. I had so many people tell me
I wasn’t capable, or that I had to prove to them that I could work even with my
disability. I was scared that I couldn’t
do that, and that’s when the thought cycle occurred. However, there was one day this summer when
my fear finally went away. The third
reason to why I didn’t watch 13 Reasons Why is because I didn’t want to be sad
again because of Hannah Baker’s suicide.
You may think I’m
talking about Hannah Baker like she’s a real person and that I don’t know the
difference. However, you’re wrong, I do
know the difference, but in some ways I have been in Hannah Baker’s spot. I have been that sad. The first time was in
Middle School, where I was the constant
target because I was different. That
was the first time I ever tried to hurt myself physically, which yes, both my
parents know about and helped me. I got
through it because of my family and friends that I did have. The second time wasn’t until college, and
that was because my mother tried to physically hurt me. She couldn’t stop at physically, she had to
yell and yell at me until an unnecessary message was pushed through my head
about a friend that I had liked as more
than a friend. She was mean and hateful about it and told some major lies.
Yes. This was my own mom. I’m not
afraid to say this anymore, but she was a big cause of my suicidal
thoughts. The third time happened when
a boyfriend that I thought finally loved me, and I finally loved him, broke up
with me out of the blue. He didn’t want to get so serious. Now, I’m not blaming him at all, and he’s a
good person, but my thoughts got
tangled. I got into a fight with my
thoughts that night, I was up all night, I called my dad. The next day I went into a
psych ward for a week. It kept me safe, they took away my cell
phone, and all my belongings. It was a very safe place, and I’m forever
grateful I knew how to get to help. This brings me to my last reason of why I hadn’t
watched 13 Reasons Why or read the book when everyone else had.
People love
fads and trends. They also love
entertainment, and to watch “binge worthy” tv as Netflix calls 13 Reasons
Why. This was the last reason I didn’t
want to watch because suicide shouldn’t be a fad. It shouldn’t be taken with such light-heartiness.
You may be asking, why then, did I
watch it? Well because of an article Mayim Bailik (Amy-Farrah Fowler on The Big
Bang Theory and Blossom) posted in article written by a doctor. This
article was posted on Grok Nation, Mayim
Bialik’s website. It is called The Strengths and Challenges of 13 Reasons Why:
A Sex and Trauma Therapist Weighs in by Janet Bayraymn. This article got me to watch the show because
it convinced me to face my fear, to see what suicide is actually like and how
it affects other people in your life. It
was this particular quote by Dr. Bayraymn: “I don’t want
to suggest that all youth are going to mimic what they see on the show. Many
teens are resilient and capable of watching a show like this and not have an
issue.” It wasn’t the first part of this
sentence. It was the second part. I 3 Reasons Whymay not be the teen she was referring
too, but I finally felt strong enough to
watch this show and not have an issue. I
felt strong enough because I knew my suicidal
visions were gone. How did I know? Well,
I stopped seeing them when I stopped talking to two big stressors in my
life: a friend who was an army solider, and my mother, and realized I validate my
life, no one else does. I also prayed and it turned out that living on my
own wasn’t going to be scary. Sure it has it’s rough times and there are still
some people that have disbelief in you, and question wither or not you’ll be
able to do a full day job. However,
those thoughts from other people that
used to stick in my head, don’t anymore.
I don’t listen to them because that’s their opinion. I don’t need to prove to anybody that I’m
strong and hardworking because I know that I am. I know that I’m worth living, and that suicide
is not an option, ever. Life is worth
it, seeing the sun come up every day.
Petting my cats and curling up with them while I read, or going to church. Not just church, but work as well, even if it
is hours I’m not used too, and there’s
one lady who doesn’t like me because I told her no. It took me a long time to realize it’s not my
fault why I just don’t get a long with
some people or why someone doesn’t understand me. People are cruel, people are kind, people love, and people
care. As Cory Matthew’s said on Girl Meets World, “ People Change People.” So if you’re feeling down or sad it’s okay,
but don’t be Hannah Baker. Suicide is
not an option, and as a Suicidal thought survivor, I’m telling you it’s okay to
ask for help. It’s okay to share your thoughts and feelings. Don’t let somebody
tell you “ If it doesn’t bleed or bruise,
you can’t cry.” Cry, and then get help.
My mother always told me that I couldn’t cry, and if I told her how I
felt, she’d hurt me or threaten me and say it’s not true or that I would have
to change my mind. Well, I’m not scared
of her anymore, or of my family looking down on me for publishing this. I matter.
My life matters, and this is my
story that I’ve wanted to share for so
long but couldn’t. I’m 26 now, and I
plan on living my life for a very long time, and I’m not hiding behind my
mother’s shadow anymore. Now, she’s not
fully to blame, I want to make that very clear, but she is a big part of it. The best thing I ever did was walk away,
because emotional abuse is still abuse. Now I am finally, finally free of suicidal
thoughts and tendencies, and fear. Life has never felt better, and if you ever
need help or are scared, please visit: www.13reasonswhy.info,
for guidance.
